Grasshoppers are green and have antenae

I decided to sleep in today. Why? Because it's Friday and I can. I rolled out of bed at 11AM did my bathroomy things and then walked into my kitchen. Out of the corner of my eyeball, I noticed a darkish something or other perched atop the radiator. Ah, dust - yet another reminder that I should clean my house today. Upon closer inspection (read upon me going to remove said dust) I noticed twas not dust. Nay nay. Twas a grasshopper - the hopping kind - that hop.

If you know me, you know that I don't like insects, including (but certainly not limited to) spiders, centipedes, millipedes, crickets, pinchers, stink bugs, or anything with many legs (and/or eyes). I now know that I also don't like grasshoppers. At all. It's more of a despise, simply because they have the ability to ruin my morning (i.e. this morning).

I slowly backed out of my kitchen to call everyone that I knew - to tell them the news of course - and then to slowly drive myself into hysteria. Once hysteria set in? I called my mom. My mom advised me to get a book or a heavy magazine to drop on top of the sucker and end his hopping ... forever. I didn't want to do this. I wanted the little shit to live. I wanted him (or her) to go outside and hop ... in the GRASS ... and not go against his name (NOT kitchenhoppers). Anyhow, my mom is a genius. I had to alter her plan slightly because whilst I was calling every person in my phone in hopes one would volunteer to come rescue me from the insect (or the reverse), the son of a bitch HOPPED. To the floor. As I got closer (not too close) (but close enough), I saw it had antenae. I do not deal with things that have antenae at all, ever.

I went into my living room, grabbed a stack of BOSTON MAGAZINE'S and USWEEKLY'S and got ready to take this jumper down. I hit him with the first magazine (I was about 10 feet away, so this was GREAT news). But he was still exposed to air - and you know how insects are. Just when you think they are smushed to death, they start to squirm ... only this thing would hop. I threw another and missed. The wind from the magazine caused the previously thought to be dead grasshopper to jump ... and I jumped too ... and screamed. Like the little wussy girl that I am. Bite me. I threw two more magazines and conquered the 3" kitchen warrior. I proceeded to pounce on the magazines to ensure maximum squashyness. All of that hullabaloo? Is still on the floor.

I walked back into my bedroom to get dressed and found a spider on the wall in the hallway. I smashed him with my finger. I? Am a brave.new.girl.





PS I am sorry the photo is so crappy, but I took it from my dining room and my zoom isn't THAT great.